I’m fucking falling apart and no one can help me and I just have myself to blame

you are everything.

when I wake up too early I have lots more time on my hands so killing time by trying on lingerie is pretty nice

my mom often reminds my dad to stop being so angry at everyone because life is too short to be upset.

lately I’m thinking that doesn’t mean a thing to him, seeing as a lot of people important to him have died already, starting from when he was young. so maybe that’s why he can yell and yell and berate and say hurtful things on a daily basis, he’s already lost mostly everyone, what’s a few more

it’s so stupid how all the happy moments in my life I can just brush off and not remember the exact details of what happened and how they happened

but with all the bad times I can almost remember down to the exact hour on the clock what happened and the moments leading up to it

then taking those little details and forming good luck rituals in an attempt to prevent them from happening again

but in reality I know no matter what I try to do I can never prevent the possibility of something horrible happening.

that scares me.

like right now I’m listening to this one band that I got into around the time things got bad last year. It’s not nostalgia that I’m feeling (I’m definitely not longing for what happened) but it feels weird and I’m feeling a sense of dread, like it’ll all repeat itself.

no matter how much better things are now, I’ll always have that dread.

looking for design jobs is exhausting and my passion for design is going down the toilet as well

so I’m about 99% sure that I didn’t get the job I wanted. 

in the meantime, I sent my stuff to a company in Allston and asked for more hours at Citizen.

it’s my pride getting all messed up, I had such high hopes and then today I started getting the “I don’t ever want to design” thoughts again, which only happens when people around me are getting jobs and I’m not. oops.

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