it’s so stupid how all the happy moments in my life I can just brush off and not remember the exact details of what happened and how they happened
but with all the bad times I can almost remember down to the exact hour on the clock what happened and the moments leading up to it
then taking those little details and forming good luck rituals in an attempt to prevent them from happening again
but in reality I know no matter what I try to do I can never prevent the possibility of something horrible happening.
that scares me.
like right now I’m listening to this one band that I got into around the time things got bad last year. It’s not nostalgia that I’m feeling (I’m definitely not longing for what happened) but it feels weird and I’m feeling a sense of dread, like it’ll all repeat itself.
no matter how much better things are now, I’ll always have that dread.
looking for design jobs is exhausting and my passion for design is going down the toilet as well
so I’m about 99% sure that I didn’t get the job I wanted.
in the meantime, I sent my stuff to a company in Allston and asked for more hours at Citizen.
it’s my pride getting all messed up, I had such high hopes and then today I started getting the “I don’t ever want to design” thoughts again, which only happens when people around me are getting jobs and I’m not. oops.
I don’t get it.
I worked hard at school and got my degree. I deserve to be able to have fun and do what I want if it means I’ll enjoy myself.
I deserve to have fun this summer. Why am I still here?
having a particularly ugly day today.
which led me to make this 3 song playlist:
if this were a sitcom or something this would be pretty damn funny and tbh I do think it’s quite funny and I’m laughing at myself at how ridiculous I am but
I’m also literally like this close to crying, it’s pathetic
I hate how more often than not I rely on others to validate my “beauty” and it’s gotten even worse because I do have a boyfriend who tells me I’m beautiful all the time but I can never fully believe him. I always take any compliments on my looks with a grain of salt; I often assume that whenever a guy compliments me or hits on me he’s just got some sort of fetish for Asians, or that someone is just being nice.
I really appreciate the gestures, I really do, but I don’t think I’ll ever love myself that much to believe anyone. There’s always going to be someone prettier than me (of course there will be), so perhaps it’d be best to save your compliment for the next girl who comes along that has a nicer looking face than me. I’m never going to be good enough for anyone.
I smoked weed in my room yesterday and my dad thought that the dogs shit under his bed
I woke up at an early hour and I was still pretty tired but I woke up that early just so I could smoke while everyone was still asleep but I locked the door anyway and ashed out the j because I heard my dad leave his room, while my door was locked
I was really stoned for the majority of the day but I didn’t even enjoy anything. nothing got better except that I just did not give a shit about anything yesterday, I was super paranoid during the peak of my high and I wanted to just go back to sleep and sleep off the feeling and thought of all the things that could happen if my dad caught me
he didn’t though, so that’s cool
today I felt nothing but pissed off and smoking might help that some, I still have my bowl and a pretty decent amount of weed left but even smoking that j was a huge risk
all I know is that I can’t be around my mom and dad for more than a few hours without wanting to rip their heads off and now I understand why my brother moved out a few months after he came back from the Navy
my parents are a couple of control freaks that have lost control of their own lives and deal with it by pissing away their money on shit we don’t need and projecting their anger and frustration on their children
it’s a miserable way to live
and I refuse to be part of their misery, especially after I know what it feels like to finally be content with my life
this is probably like the third time I’ve started a personal blog but I’m hoping to stick to it because I’m slowly trying to believe that my feelings are valid without having to whine about it to someone else.
so I’ll whine about it to an empty blog. lovelylovelylovely